Thoughts on modesty from a traveling girl

Summertime is upon us, which means the annual discussions of swimwear and modesty are also here. The video of the year is a talk by a fashion designer putting forward her collection of cute one-piece swimsuits. While I love her swimsuit designs and her ideas about what modesty means, I was disappointed by some of the comments my friends made in response, which reinforced the belief that it's entirely the woman's responsibility to stave off male objectification.

Another friend posted a great response to the swimsuit talk by Rachel Held Evans. I loved what Rachel had to say about this, and think it relates directly to everything that bothers me about the challenges women face in Turkey every day. Living here has turned me into a bit of a feminist, if only because it highlights disturbing ways that "sexist and oppressive" treatment of Muslim women is at times merely an amplified version of the logic behind the "Godly" behavior expected of women in evangelical American Christianity. And while I'm all for stable families and helping men to achieve their potential, men's self-esteem shouldn't come at the expense of women's skills, ambitions, or safety.

Evans mentioned some dangerous extremes of putting full responsibility for modesty on women, all of which I have observed in this country far more frequently than I'm comfortable with:

1. Blaming women for the thoughts of men

" But regardless of whatever synapses involuntarily fire in a man’s brain when he sees a woman’s body, he alone is responsible for the decision to objectify a woman or treat her with respect. Placing that burden upon women is unnecessary and unfair.  "

This is so true here in the chauvinist Middle East, where adultery is common and even accepted to some extent because "boys will be boys" and they have natural urges they can't control. Meanwhile, girls can be buried alive for talking to boys in eastern Turkey, because-- well-- no, I can't even begin to understand the rationale behind that. I guess when teenage boys are attracted to girls, they're just being human, but when teenage girls are attracted to boys it's pure evil seduction.

As I said, this is only an amplification of the logic I heard growing up in a Christian community in the USA. "Boys want just one thing, so it's up to you women not to give it to them." Boys flirting with girls or walking around shirtless flexing their muscles? Natural. Oh how funny they are.  Girls flirting with boys or wearing a tight top? She's a "stumbling block" and we need to remind her of what Paul says about modesty. There is a double standard in place, which I think disrespects men and portrays them as mindless troglodytes who can't restrain themselves around women. To be fair, this seems to be less drastic in the USA, where boys at least get similar lectures on the importance of respecting women and controlling themselves, and most of the Christian guys I know are admirably tough on themselves in this regard. However, when self-discipline breaks down, the responsibility does tend to fall on the girl, especially if she was wearing something suggestive, because men are just "hard-wired" to objectify women.

The Turkish, and to some extent evangelical Christian, view recalls the story of Adam and Eve. When confronted with his sin, Adam is quick to point out that "the woman" gave him the apple. However, God's wrath falls on both of them, showing that neither is an innocent party: he curses Eve for tempting Adam, but also punishes Adam for listening to her. Just because she gave you the apple doesn't mean you have to eat it. Even if it is perfectly natural and your biological impulses tell you to eat a delicious fruit when you want a snack, you're not off the hook for listening to your impulses when they tell you to do the wrong thing. 

If you're on a diet, and someone offers you ice cream, it's your fault if you eat it. Now, if your friend offers you the ice cream knowing full well that you're on a diet, or eats ice cream in front of you talking about how delicious it is, she's being a jerk. And that's kind of my view of modesty: women have a responsibility not to be jerks toward their Christian/Muslim brothers who are genuinely trying to control themselves. But that only goes so far when the guy has decided in his mind that his moment of weakness is the girl's fault because she was eating ice cream. And it would be stupid to tell people they have to stop eating ice cream in public places for fear of causing dieting passers-by to falter. Yet that's essentially what happens in this country: women are to blame for men's objectification because they weren't careful enough about their clothes, while men are just following their instincts. I refuse to believe this is the way God wants us to treat each other.

Which brings us to another pitfall that Evans observed:

2. Assuming there are single standards that apply to all people in all cultures.

"The truth is, a man can choose to objectify a woman whether she’s wearing a bikini or a burqa. We don’t stop lust by covering up the female form; we stop lust by teaching men to treat women as human beings worthy of respect."

This is a huge lesson I've learned from traveling, as the difference in modesty standards seems to correspond with a marked difference in the way men treat women in the various countries I've been to. When you're a traveling woman, this stands out in a major way and contributes to your feeling of safety in any country. And as I've traveled more, it becomes hugely apparent that while women absolutely should be aware of what they wear and the effect it has on other people, especially when traveling in other countries where standards may differ, it is ultimately up to the men to decide how to treat us.

Modesty does vary greatly from place to place. In Taiwan, bare shoulders are a no-no, but miniskirts are fine, the opposite of what raises Midwestern eyebrows. In India the knees have to be covered while bare midriffs are ok, but of course none of that will stop Indian guys at the Taj Mahal from taking your picture. In Turkey, it seems like anything you wear will earn stares of disapproval from older people and creepy leers from taxi drivers.

Here, I've gotten catcalls while wearing a long skirt and sweater. In Switzerland, a guy from West Africa called me some nasty names for not responding to his advances because in his eyes this particular outfit was screaming for male attention and advertising my availability.

"She's just asking to be objectified, that immoral Westerner."
(Also: gross, I had this on in Switzerland and was STILL wearing it when I took this picture in Bosnia the next day. Clearly I was trying to tempt the menfolk with my backpacker hygiene.)

In contrast, last summer I wandered all over Croatia dressed for the beach and hot weather, and had numerous conversations with men along the way- intelligent and interesting conversations about culture, travel and philosophy that never devolved into harassment or flirtation no matter what I was wearing.

I'm fully behind the idea of dressing well and not making things harder for guys, but the way these men treated me had nothing to do with my clothes and much more to do with their own motives for approaching me and their perceptions of what value I could bring to the interaction, things I have no control over. In the end, there's only so much you can do in the way of taking reasonable precautions, and "different cultural standards" isn't an excuse for a man to mistreat a woman who doesn't dress in a way he personally finds appropriate.

And finally,

3. Making women ashamed of their bodies

I might expand this to "making women feel ashamed of being women." While legally women in this country have nearly as many rights as men, in reality it doesn't work out this way. I've frequently seen men cut women drivers off in traffic. A friend casually shrugged this off when it happened as we drove home one night. "They don't think we belong out here, so they try to make it dangerous and hope we'll just stay home next time."

Another friend told me of how she started wearing trousers at work because any time she wore a skirt, her male coworkers stared at her legs and commented on her appearance, until it got to a point that she felt so ashamed and uncomfortable that she abandoned skirts altogether.

This is actually a very effective technique for "putting women in their place," as nothing makes you want to stay home like a collective effort from men to make you uncomfortable, and I greatly admire the Turkish women who put up with it every day.

It's hard to live your life when people around you keep trying to tell you that you're doing the wrong thing, that your identity as a woman restricts you, that going out into the world means you're trying to be a man or that you're less of a woman, that you're rejecting the position that God created for you in this world and are brazenly becoming something He didn't have in mind.

My own particular church denomination has a similar debate raging about what women should and should not be allowed to do in church. Can we teach adult Bible studies? Read Scripture in church? Distribute Communion? And the women who ask the wrong questions or take steps in the wrong direction are often shut down with harsh words about not respecting God's word or following His design for men and women. I still don't have a firm personal stance on the issue of women's ordination, but Turkey has made me a lot more sensitive to the words and arguments used in the debate, and less sensitive to accusations that entertaining the possibility means I am mocking God's word.

The point is that modesty is a two-way street, and some of the arguments we use in the Christian community to caution women about their clothes are dangerously close to Muslim arguments that create strict rules in society restricting and shaming women for being female while exonerating men from blame. I'm not about to encourage girls to post a thousand pictures of themselves of themselves in bikinis on Facebook, but neither am I going to hop on the "bikinis are evil" bandwagon, because it's a little too close to the reasoning behind the burqa for my comfort.

Let's urge responsibility on both sides, and respect the challenges each gender faces without demonizing either men or women.